MOMMY TALKS
By Hershey Jesena

I just finished reading The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. I have heard about it a lot last year but had time to only read it recently. It is about parenting in a Western culture amidst Chinese and other ethnic background.

I have always thought of parenting style as unique for each family, culture and society. The diversity on influences is an interesting factor in our child rearing. It contributes to the parent's own experiences and background. Plus we add technology and media to our children's influences and we are definitely brewing a complicated parenting and child rearing set-up. It is a tough formula to crack.

Amy Chua, who ironically was raised by a Chinese immigrant family in the Philippines, tried to write a story about how Chinese parents (although, she said this can also be 'other' parents of the same parenting style), who raise their children differently than Western ones. She thought she had a structure of raising expectations for our children, setting standards of excellence, discipline that would help them in work attitude and behavior, and creating a good academic path for ensuring success. Her plan worked out well, at first, owing to years of passed on Chinese discipline, hard work, and values. However, Chua's plan seemingly proved heartbreaking when her 13-year-old, gifted second daughter challenged her mother on how they were being raised.

What are my insights on this good read? First, may I quote another writer, Paulo Coelho, three things we can learn from children, "A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires." I think parenting wise, most Asians are the same. We are reared for obedience. We are taught to 'accept' things. Seldom do we demand which ironically, is something I am learning from my four-year-old. Demand and assert what you want as to people may be clueless you want it or them in the first place. Demanding for it can sometimes catch us by surprise because we might get it by simply asking for it. Authority figures are biggies in every family.

Most of us were brought up not to question what is said by the elders. This is from a presumption that they always know what's best for us. Although this is what we grew up in, most kids nowadays are breaking away from this. More and more children 'voice out' their opinions and are more active in decision making. Credits are given to a more Western influence on empowering children and building creative thinking skills in them. However, some would agree with Chua on this one. Hands on and 'tiger' parents are more active in creating 'decision making' opportunities for their kids. Most of the time, they decide for the kids. Delving more on where this is coming from, we can see that Chinese/ most Asian and Western parents have totally different mindsets in terms of their roles in child rearing. Western parents are so anxious about their children's 'self esteem' to a point of assuring their children of a 'good job' for a mediocre performance because it might make their children feel less.

In a way this does make me think, what I expect from my child because of what I believe about her. If I assume strength and capability then perhaps I should not worry about pushing her too much because of the presumption that she can do it. From another point of view, I can also assume she can do things, thus allowing herself to take more risks in achieving much. This can be guided by the belief that children are what we think of them. If I feel I can encourage my child to take risks and not be afraid of failure, then I can guide her to enhancing her potentials more. Balance can be a key so as we do not want to be helicopter parents who 'hover' over their kids' life. Allowing them space to make choices and mistakes is an opportunity for them to learn from life with us secretly at the sidelines.

Reading this book made me realize that I want the best for my child and I am going to do all I can to help her get it. I will best prepare her for life, failures, and all but I want her to live her own life. I can be an invisible thread that helps her connect the dots to success without sacrificing herself and her potentials. I want to be a Tiger Mom with a strong paws and claws to allow her to push forward yet guide her with a soft and loving purr of assurance that I am here no matter what.*