HELICOPTER PARENTS hover closely over the affairs of their BOOMERANG CHILD who just moved back with them. He was once a BROFESSIONAL, powered by gainful employment until the economic crisis hit. His TIGER MOM who always pushed him to excel now worries he is headed for LOSERBURB being jobless, unmarried and hangs out too much with his BESTIE though he denies they're in a BROMANCE.
But being UN-GAY is no consolation for Tiger Mom. A lonely COUGAR next door with whom her son trades TWEAZES or sleazy tweets, threatens to pounce. Tiger Mom often CYBERDROPS by TWEETSTALKS cautiously. She cannot badger him to UNFOLLOW her, as she might NAGGRAVATE the situation.
Cougar was once friends with Helicopter Parents, until her husband EXMARRIED her for bringing GYM RATS and PROSTI-DUDES when he's not around.
Cougar claims she married him for his CASHISH. A MATHEMAGICIAN at Silicon Valley, ex-husband is wealthy but REEKS IN GEEKNESSâ€”a DOG CATCHER who can only hook up with unattractive women if he were POORGEOISIE.
But Cougar is not the picture of DROOLWORTHINESS herself as she's BEAUT no more. A scary middle-aged woman who mistakenly thinks she is more desirable than she actually isâ€”she's FREDDY COUGAR.
Divorced and BOMS (Bored Out Of My Skull) she's smitten by Boomerang Child's KNUCKLEDRAGGER appealâ€” his rough-as-a-caveman manners and appearance. She is SEVERIOUSLY IN LUST with him in spite of his BRATITUDE and his aversion for GIGGLE WATER, ROBOTRIPPING and COWBOY KILLERSâ€”no hope in a man who drinks, dopes and chain smokes all day long.
He's also a HOODSTA. Pardon the slur for Hoodsta which is the ILLEGITICALâ€”or illigitimate and politically incorrect generalization that people who wear hooded jackets are GANGSTA.
Meantime, neighbors call Cougar a SLOREâ€”a cocktail of two censored words to describe a "woman of the world". She in turn, has nothing but UNCARE for an OPRAHFICATED society where people pick on those who UNCONTRIBUTE to the planet's bettermentâ€”her values being everything Oprah Winfrey's, are not.
She considers being SLORE her UNIQUITY or unique qualityâ€”a SWAPPORTUNITY she'd gladly choose over a better reputation. Besides when booty calls, WHOANESS is all that matters.
The upper cases in my story are some of the fad words for the ongoing year of 2012â€”words cool and cult, expected to go from fad to fade in no time.
Terms like "Boomerang Child" came to prominence during the recession when worldwide job cuts sent many thirty-somethings from total independence to OCCUPY HOME. Kiss these terms goodbye when the economy gets better.
Other fad words arose from the social networking pandemic such as "Unfollow" and its extreme antonyms "Cyberdrop" and "Tweetstalk". Even acronyms are not spared from being WORDED, as with the case of PDF-ITIZE or the compulsion to convert all files to PDF format for easy keeping and sharing. And then there are verbs-ADJECTIVIZED such as DOWNLOADABLE files or DRAGGABLE screen icons.
Ever since Mark Zuckerberg became the world's ideal man, the acronym NILF, or the Nerd I'd Like to Fornicate [with] permuted from MILF, which stands for something one can't possibly do to a Mother. "THAT'S just BEAST".
Incidentally, "THAT'S BEAST!" is the 2012 way of saying "That's Cool!", an expression better left in 1975 where it belongs. And totally agreeing with someone's opinion is now called DITTOISM, ditto?
Hollywood's influences prevail in the fad speak sphere, as verbs like KARDASHIANED or whirlwind marriages brokered by CRASSY Kim Kardashian, became in. Recently the American Idol phenomenon WGWG (White Guy With Guitar) has evolved as an adjective to sum up not just Phillip Phillips, but the predictability of middle American votes or trailer park preferences.
Meantime the health and fitness craze takes credit for GYM KRYPTONITE or a Droolworthy goddess who walks in the gym and reduces Gym Rats from mean pumping machines to dorks who stare and salivate uncontrollably. YOGATITUDE is the annoying aura of a yoga expert as he takes pride in his invertebrate contortions, his zen found right in his ego.
A MANOREXIC is man who is unsightly thin. ATHLETICA NERVOSA is a mental illness of someone who frets about the slightest body flaws, while a VEGAN TALIBAN is one who blames all health problems of the world, on meat.
And from the realm of sports, you can do a TEBOWING by going down on one knee (as would Tim Tebow before every game) and say "Will you Kardashian me?" to a girl you just met. If she rejects, let's just say your spur of the moment proposal JEREMY LINNED... pffft... kaput. Now that's beast!*